This project was conceived of by Elizabeth Tobias and when she approached me to be a part of the performance I felt like I had been waiting for this opportunity for a long time. The performance was to be a large group of artists who were also sexual assault survivors. We would all share our stories of abuse. The poem that I performed for this piece was written over 25 years ago. It was written when I realized the violence that was perpetrated against me when I lost my virginity. I was 21 years old when I wrote this poem but the event happened when I was 16. It took me five years to realize that what had happened to me was wrong. When I did realize that I was a victim of violence the words came spilling out of me in a geyser of truth. It is still a challenge for me to call it rape, since it was not as violent or traumatic as what many others have experienced. The person who did this to me was my boyfriend and I did, in fact, ask for it. When I realized that what had happened to me was wrong, I was finally able to enjoy intimacy for the first time in my life, without sweaty palms and a frozen heart. My feelings of inadequacy and isolation melted away. My hope in reading this poem was that someone else could come to grips with their conflicting emotions on what it means to be a woman, a caregiver and a lover. Not a victim. A survivor.

There is a group of amazing people who also came forward to share their stories. Each story was different and each one hurts in its own way but we all read them to shine a light into the darkness so that others may find their way. We aired stories that were not polite or politically acceptable. We shared our hurt in the hopes that others might not be hurt. I was honored to share the stage with so many powerful women, men, survivors of assault and those who had the bravery to stand with us to in support of our truth. It was not easy but I’m glad I did it, especially since I know that when I realized what happened to me was an injustice I did not carry that burden alone anymore. Its been such a long time since I named that hurt and embraced my future.

I have to give a special thanks to Elizabeth Tobias for being the brain child behind the performance and creating a space for all of us to express ourselves and of course a heartfelt thank you to my partner, Skandar, who supported me as I went through the roller-coaster of emotions that lead up to the performance. Rehearsing this poem for a week straight was challenging to say the least. My memories poured over me and I mourned the innocence that was lost with youth. Skandar was unwavering by my side and for that I am thankful. I hope to share the gift of knowledge with someone else and lift the burden of guilt that is so often associated with sexual assault.